Some women are not natural mothers & it’s ok. You can learn to be a good one.
Some women are not natural mothers and it’s ok! You can learn to be a good one.
You have your first baby, and everything is wonderful, right? You know exactly what to do and you have either been schooled, read, or have some kind of experience on how to take care of a baby. Life is wonderful and you are overwhelmed with gratitude at the opportunity of being a mother. Well that’s not how it was for me! I would venture to say, that there are many women who would say that’s not how it was for them either.
When I had my first child, my entire identify was wrapped around being a lawyer. I loved working, loved excelling in my job and loved making a difference in the world, no matter how big or small. I loved wearing suits and panty hose and being admired when I executed my job with intelligence and integrity. That’s all I new. That’s all I worked for my entire life and I was proud of myself. I was proud of all of my hard work and how it propelled me from one stage of my professional career to the next. My life as a lawyer provided me with intellectual stimulation, opportunities to get smarter, feeling appreciated for my work and rewarded for my successes.
Then I had a baby. I was completely inept. At the hospital I begged the nurse to teach me how to diaper my baby before I had to go home. I didn’t know how to feed my baby or bathe my baby. I opted out of breast feeding without trying. I remember calling the office to see if my cases plead out while I was out and they were. I was upset about my cases. Emotionally, I was scared because I didn’t know how to be a mother. I wasn’t a natural mother. I looked around at my peers and everyone seemed to know or do better. They also seemed to enjoy their new life.
My life became insular as I stumbled as a new mom and tried to educate myself on how to be a good mom. I learned about the stages of a baby’s growth and tried to help my baby reach and surpass those stages. Surpass is the key word here! What that really means is that I was so busy trying to get my baby to the next stage of growth, that I lost out on being present and enjoying the moment. I didn’t know any better. There was no handbook on motherhood or parenting, and if there was, I would have read it. But my life became about trial and error, copying other moms with what seemed to work, and hoping that it would all come together. I had no feedback and felt no appreciation for my efforts. There was no grade or raise or praise to give me some kind of sign that I was doing ok as a mother.
Time went on and my world became all about connecting with other mothers. That included mommy and me classes and playdates I was miserable.. I remember introducing myself as a lawyer, not Alexandra’s mom. I remember feeling empty and sad and then guilty for not enjoying these classes or these other women who had their lives together with their babies. I kept reminiscing of my professional life and feeling a void because I felt I had no intellectual stimulation, no positive feedback, and no forum to prove my worth as a smart woman.
Needless to say, I had to pivot from this perspective. So I did! Although I didn’t start off as a natural mother, I learned to be a pretty good one. Yes, I studied books on a child’s growth, development and psychology, to assist me in raising my kids. Yes, I applied this book knowledge to my reality as best as I could. And yes, I became a better mother. I became more fluid in my day to day tasks with my kids and as I saw my kids grow into great little humans, I became more comfortable with myself as a mother. I didn’t need to be anything else. At least for a certain amount of time.
Of course, I made many mistakes. I fixed as much as I could and apologized for things I couldn’t change. My young adult children are very eager to tell me what those mistakes were and how their lives were impacted from those mistakes. However what is definite and clear to both, me and my kids, is that I did my very best! They did too! We all showed up every day giving our very best to eachother! Sometimes we fell short, sometimes we rose up, but we all showed up with the intention of showing love and acceptance and acknowledgment of error and flaws.
Now I look back and see that I had a great experience on my motherhood journey. I may not have been a natural mother, I may not have liked it at first, I may not have known how to be like the other women who had it all together… but, I learned to how to be a good mother. I tried hard, showed up, made mistakes and learned from them. I have two amazing kids who are functional, good citizens, hard working and accepting and respectful to everyone. In my opinion, that makes me a good mother! I’m pretty sure they respect me and are able to talk to me about most things, including, my mistakes. Although difficult to hear, it makes me happy that they feel I am a safe and trusting person to them! I’m sure that many women have a similar experience to mine in the evolution as mothers! It helps to talk about it and help eachother on this journey!